Complaining or asking for what you want can be very difficult. Many of us grew up learning that it is better to get along with others and be liked at all costs. The moment we accepted these beliefs as our truths, we silenced the part of ourselves that speaks up for our needs. In that instant, our needs began to shrink and the needs of others grew within our lives. We began a lifelong pattern of putting others before ourselves.
Think about the times when you received poor service, but you could not muster up the courage to complain about it. Think about the times when you had an idea at work, but you felt afraid to share it with others. You thought your idea was silly or not good enough. Have there been times when you have allowed others to offend you without standing up for yourself? How many times were you too afraid to ask a question in front of others? Secretly, you hoped that someone else would ask the question or your waited to talk with speaker after the meeting ended.
By being silent, we are really telling ourselves that we are not worthy to have our needs met. We are also saying that we lack faith in our ideas, so we keep them to ourselves. When we allow others to say disrespectful comments in our presence, we are not loving and respecting ourselves. We have just given others the permission to mistreat and disrespect us as well.
It is not good to always put other people's needs before yours. Anger and resentment builds up within us over time when we always sacrifice our needs. We live out the powerless victim syndrome every day as the inner conflict between our needs and being liked by others simmers within our souls.
I used to avoid confrontation with others, no matter what they did. I could not allow myself to get angry and argue with others, even if they did something terribly wrong against me. I wanted to be liked by others. I feared that if I got angry and expressed my true feelings that I would lose a friend or boyfriend. At work when others backstabbed me, I never confronted them about it in a professional manner. I wanted to be liked by my co-workers, even if I felt hurt and angry by their insensitive actions.
As my self esteem increased, I realized that I have to teach people how to treat me. I discovered that I deserved to be treated in a positive way by others. I had a duty to let people know when they crossed the line with me. I found myself complaining about poor service and asking for what I wanted with others. If someone did something to offend me, I told them about it. I could no longer be silent.
Surprisingly, I found myself asking questions at meetings and sharing my opinions openly before groups. My needs, opinions, ideas and feelings were just as important as others. I am free now to speak up. Being liked by everyone is not a goal of mine any more. I know now that I have no control over whether a person likes me or not. Being liked by someone else has very little to do with whether I speak up or not. I also have more faith in my ideas now. I know that I am a smart person, regardless to whether others accept my ideas or not.
Look at your life for a moment. Have there been times when you remained silent instead of speaking up? In what situations do you remain silent? What is your motivation for being silent? Think about if there are small ways that you can speak up. Read books about communicating with others so that you can learn how to tell someone if they are offending you. Learn how to express your feelings without using language that puts the other person on the defensive. You can learn how to verbally disarm someone who has just put you down without screaming and hollering at the person. The point is to learn new communication skills and build up the confidence to use them when the situation calls for it.
As you learn how to communicate better, learn how to love and respect yourself. It is important that you like yourself for who you are right now. Loving yourself is more important than others loving and liking you. When you love and respect yourself, you attract people into your life who love and respect you. When you are unable to love yourself, you attract abusive people who will disrespect you at will. People can read or get a feel for your self esteem based on your actions. Read books about improving your self esteem. Loving yourself is not about being selfish. Every person needs a healthy level of self love to exist as a happy, fully functioning person. Make your self esteem a priority.
Affirmations: I love and respect myself. I speak up for myself with ease and confidence.
Copyright©2007 Jeannine Robinson All Rights Reserved