If something does not go the way you planned, do you blame yourself? Does the dreaded "should have" come up in your mind? Do you get angry and disappointed with yourself? Maybe if you had done something different, then you would have gotten what you wanted. Whether we realize it or not, we are not loving and nurturing ourselves unconditionally when we immediately blame and criticize for whatever goes wrong.
It is so wise to love and accept ourselves, even when our efforts fall short. Self love is about unconditonal acceptance-- not criticism or blame. We love and accept ourselves, regardless of our external circumstances and experiences. Most of us do a pretty good job of tearing ourselves down every single day without every realizing what we are doing. Everytime, we secondguess ourselves, we are not loving and accepting ourselves. We are not honoring the part of us that made those choices earlier. We can learn to love ourselves whether we get our way or not. We can love ourselves, even when we are disappointed and frustrated with what happens in our lives. We can fall short of our goals or even flop while still loving and respecting ourselves.
Most of us have pretty high expectations for ourselves. We expect perfection in everything we do, even on the first try. We also tend to be impatient with ourselves. We are not always willing to give ourselves the time and space to learn through trial and error. Every misstep that we make becomes an indictment against ourselves. It is quite easy for us to lose faith in ourselves after just one or two missteps.
Last year, I realized that I was guilty of not loving myself unconditionally. I had hired a freelance editor to help me with one of my writing projects. Unfortunately, the editor had one personal problem after another that resulted in numerous delays. After three months, it was in both of our interests to just go our separate ways. I was angry, disappointed and frustrated with the entire experience. I was no closer to having my book manuscript edited and ready for print.
I was angry at myself for hiring this editor. Did I do a thorough enough job checking the editor's reputation and work habits before I hired her? Did I wait too long to end the contract? Why I did ignore the red flags with her that I saw early on in the project? I felt wrong with how I handled the hiring of my first ever independent contractor to help me. I had done a good job of taking one disappointing experience and using it to tear myself down. I had to shift from self criticism and blame to self acceptance. I needed to forgive myself for what I thought I did wrong and see the experience as a learning opportunity without blame.
It is hard to love ourselves unconditionally while we are criticizing, blaming and judging ourselves for everything that does not turn out the way we had hoped. All the blame and criticism squeezes out whatever love we have for ourselves. There simply is not enough room for love, blame and criticism to co-exist within us. We have to make a choice. Do we want to create more space for love or for blame and criticism?
Before you decide which you want more of, let me offer you a few more ideas to consider. There are a lot of myths about self love. When we think of self love, we think of selfishness. Loving yourself is not selfish. Self love is a natural part of life. We have to love ourselves, so that we can be our true selves and live great lives. We have to love ourselves, so that we know that we are deserving and worthy to get what we want from life. We have to love ourselves, so that we will not settle for less. We have to love ourselves, so that we will know that we deserve respect in all of our relationships. Self love is the key to a happy fulfilled life. We have to love ourselves first before we can know how to love another person.
When you truly love yourself, you can give more to others. You can do more with your life. You can rise above challenges because you know that you are worth it. Self love will put you on the path toward your greatness while the lack of self love will take you down a path leading to nowhere.
Self love has nothing to do with being conceited or vain. You are not being full of yourself just because you love and respect yourself. Some people fear that if they love themselves too much, then they will not have enough love left over for anybody else. Not true! The love that you have for yourself is separate and different than the love that you have for others. Self love is never in competition with other forms of love. You need self love before you can have the other kinds of love. So many of us seek the other types of love first before we truly know how to love ourselves. Without self love, there is not any other kind of love. You have to love yourself before you can understand and know how to love another person. So many relationships are toxic because one or both parties are unable to love themselves. They seek love from others as a way to fill their void. Loving yourself is the way to fill the void within yourself.
Many of us believe that if we love ourelves and let it show that others will not like us. Think about how you react to a confident person who obviously cares and respects herself. Do you admit that you like the person? Do you immediately dislike that person? Your answer will reveal whether you truly believe that self love is threatening to others. Do you really want to be liked by people who feel threatened if you love yourself? It is always beneficial to be around people who love and accept us at our best rather than those who will only accept us when we are at our lowest.
Self love has nothing to do with physical beauty. Some of the most beautiful people are unable to love themselves. Love comes from the inside.
Most of love ourselves with conditions. As long as we are getting the results we desire, then we love and like ourselves. If we at a high, happy point in our lives, then we can love ourselves. We can love ourselves at our highest or lowest points. It is our self love that will help us shift out of those low points. We have to cultivate and strengthen our self love, so that we have massive reserves for those inevitable low points.
Some people get this idea if they aspired and attained what society says is important, then they would be more lovable. Self love does not come from approval and acceptance by others. Self love comes from what you think about yourself and your life. Self love does not come from college degrees or material possessions. It does not come from where you live or what family you come from. Self love does not come from a job title or the size of your bank account. Self love comes from what you think you deserve and can have in life. Self love comes from how you handle your experiences, particularly the disappointing experiences.
Self love comes from within your soul. Self love is about accepting yourself as you are. It is not about blame and shame. Self love is about telling yourself that you are always doing the best that you can with what you understand about yourself and life in general. New experiences will teach you more about yourself and life, but there is never a reason to blame yourself for any experience that disappoints you. Self love teaches us that everything is a learning experience, so there is no need for blame, criticism or judgment. We are never wrong or right. There are no "would have", "should have", or "could have" moments in life. All we can ever do is to make the best choices with what we know and understand about ourselves at any given time. Everything just is a learning opportunity for us that helps us to learn more about ourselves and grow emotionally.
Self love is also about forgiveness. When we make a misstep or do something that we are not proud of, we must learn to forgive ourselves. We can see our disappointments as opportunities to learn and grow rather than blame and condemn ourselves. There is no need to shame ourselves for what we believe we did wrong. We simply need to remind ourselves that we did the best that we knew how, but now we have a greater understanding of what better means. We can vow to support and encourage ourselves to take different actions for the future.
Nobody can help you love yourself more. Be willing to love yourself. You have to make a commitment to learn how to love yourself more and treat yourself in a more loving, accepting way. A way to begin building up your self love is to learn how to accept yourself as you at this moment. Focus on your strengths and what you have going for you right now at this moment. Dwell less on your faults and challenges.
Understand that you are a person who is constantly learning and growing from your life experiences. Sometimes you may make a misstep or make a choice that may create some discomfort, but you always trust yourself to rebound. We can always find our way back to a better path. Allow yourself to be imperfect. Give yourself space to learn how to handle and navigate new experiences. Stop telling yourself that you have to get it right on the first or even second try. Keep trying and learning as you go along. Learn from your missteps. Stop believing that your missteps are a sign that you can never get it together.
If you can learn to always have faith and trust in yourself, then your self love will grow. The results that you get are never a measure of you and your abilities. The results of your efforts are nothing more than lessons learned or feedback. If you can learn to appreciate your strengths and your lesser strengths, then your self love will grow. If you can value yourself and your life, then you are feeding your self love. If you learn to trust yourself in making decisions and finding solutions to your greatest challenges, then your self love will grow. If you can forgive yourself, then your self love will grow. If you believe that you are larger than whatever unpleasant circumstances you have faced or are currently facing, then your self love will grow. You can learn to love and accept yourself by changing your thoughts about yourself and your reactions to your experiences. Pay attention to when blame and criticism shows up so that you shift away to love and acceptance. Learning to love yourself is a powerful act that will benefit you in countless ways.
Copyright©2007 Jeannine Robinson All Rights Reserved